Today was one of those days that I just wanted to either erase and start over, or skip and jump into tomorrow. I am grateful and feel very blessed to be alive and well and able to enjoy each new day with my little family, but some days are just plain tough to appreciate. Today was definitely one of those.
It started off hectic with me barely getting the boys fed, out the door and in the car to get Caden to his pre-preschool program by 9 a.m. They are very strict about starting and ending things on time, and I'm doing my best to stick to the rules. I realized after running him into his classroom that I had chocolate on my face and yogurt on my pants. The yogurt was definitely a gift from Caden. The chocolate I owe to shoving a granola bar in my mouth while nursing Cooper and trying to pack Caden's bag at the same time. I bet his teachers didn't even notice. I mean it was only one entire pant leg and most of my face... Subtle, that's me!
I jogged back to his school later to pick him up since the weather was so nice. The nice jog made me forget about the rough morning. We jogged back to the house and I decided it was the perfect day for a picnic lunch in our new backyard [we just moved -- the process was hellacious-- another post for another day]. I quickly made lunch, fed Cooper, grabbed a nice big blanket and we headed outside. Caden loves being outside and playing with his "cai-arr" (a push car/bike thingy for tots). He also loves seeing all the birds, dogs, planes and anything else that catches his eye. I figured he would love to sit on a blanket with mama and eat. [One thing I've learned quickly about planning activities for a toddler --- never ever think that whatever you have carefully planned will actually happen the way you pictured it in your head. It won't. Leave all and any expectations behind. Fast.] As soon as we sat down, Caden popped up and took off down the driveway. I ran after him, caught him and said "no" several times. He repeated "no" to me and we went back and sat down. Two seconds later he takes off in a different direction across the neighbor's yard and I again go after him and repeat no again and again. This little sequence of events happens several more times, except during our last cat and mouse chase the little rascal ducks behind a large tree in the neighbor's yard. I don't see him do this, so all of the sudden I think "oh my god he's gone..." I immediately feel my heart drop to my feet and my stomach rise to my throat. My first thought is that he somehow got past me and ran into the street. "Oh my god, no!" I panic and try to run, and instead fall down hard to the ground. I don't feel the pain because I'm totally consumed with panic. I don't know which way he went!!! I am about to yell for help when I hear soft giggling (or maybe evil cackling) behind me. I discover Caden was hiding behind a tree all along... My whole body melts and I dive directly for him. Once I have him in my arms, I feel like hugging and screaming at him, and doing both fiercely. I do neither. I swiftly carry him back to our yard, where Cooper is now screaming and flailing in his bouncy seat, and I don't stop carrying him until he's safely in the house and contained. I get Cooper inside and I finally breathe, breathe, breathe. I have never in my life felt that kind of sheer terror. That moment when I couldn't find Caden felt like it lasted for eternity. I am absolutely certain it took years off my life too. Not to mention the fact that while darting around like a crazy woman, I twisted my ankle causing me to fall directly on my already injured knee. Basically, my lovely little picnic turned into nightmare on elm street (or our street). So much for that memory making attempt!
After I put Caden down for a nap (thank god!) I just wanted to sit on the couch and stare at my little angel baby, Mr. Cooper, who I swear to you is the happiest, most serene, loving little guy I've ever met! I thank God all the time for graciously giving me a calm and peaceful second baby. If that wasn't the case, I would surely be crazy (or crazier?) by now. I was smiling at him, holding his little hands while he cooed and cooed, and then I spot a news ticker alert flash across the television about explosions going off at the Boston marathon finish line. Are you kidding me?! What on earth?! So, let me get this straight... We now have to worry about sending our precious children to school because you never know when a deranged psycho may shoot them, and now we can't even proudly participate in (by running or watching) one of America's most beloved traditions because a bomb (or several!) might go off?! I am disgusted, deeply saddened, confused and so very scared for my children growing up in this uncertain and violent world. I'm scared that I'm going to become so freaked out and paranoid about sending them anywhere without me that I'm either going to overprotect and shelter them by keeping them home, or I'm going to make them feel like I don't trust them by constantly chaperoning, following and checking up on them. It won't be them I won't trust. It will be everyone and everything else around them. I want to think that there is far more good in the world than evil, but due to the recent events we've all witnessed, it's sometimes really hard to believe. My heart aches for everyone in Boston and around the globe affected by today's senseless and heartless acts. I just keep praying that all this tragedy will serve some greater purpose whether that's in this life or the next... I sincerely hope it's this one though.
There were several other things that occurred throughout this no-good-rotten-very-bad day that made me wish for tomorrow, but I think I've hit the highlights (or the lowlights). Originally, I had wanted to make today's post about what it's been like transitioning from a workaholic in an office job to a workaholic stay at home mom, but I decided there was just too much emotion/frustration crowding my head. I needed to "blog it out."
What do you do on really tough days to wind down and refocus? I'm in need of some ideas!
Glad to see you writing. Looking forward to reading more. I want to read about how you are balancing the "Katie" things with the family things, since obviously that is going to be the life that I will be leading soon enough!
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