First of all, when I used to work my very demanding corporate job for a very large retailer, I felt "stressed" pretty regularly about my job. I had oodles of projects going on simultaneously, meetings (about other meetings we should meet about), and lots of busy work too. However, I could take a "personal day" every so often and regroup (pre-Cooper and while Caden was still in daycare). I would wake up a little later, stay in my pjs a little longer, run all the errands I could fit in (without stopping for snacks/diaper changes/tantrum taming), and I could actually go to the gym for a class or two. I could just take a little time for me away from my job and apart from the responsibilities that came with it. Even though I spent every moment being a mom in the morning before work and a mom after work until bedtime (and sometimes beyond), I still felt pretty balanced (most of the time).
Flash forward to present day (4 months since I left my full time job) and I'm a full time SAHM whose "job" never ends (I know ... same old story, right?). I am lucky to have a very supportive still working full-time husband who pitches in whenever he can. He's definitely our "Mr. Fix-it" and he also cooks and cleans sometimes too (don't be jealous, ladies)! I don't want anyone to think I'm on this crazy journey alone. That being said, my days of scheduling a haircut and manicure on my "day off" are in the rear view mirror (totally out of view). In fact, my hair is the longest it's been since maybe first grade, and it's not because I'm growing it out. It's because I'm growing it until I figure out when I can slip away to get it trimmed (oh, and the scalp massage... Ahhhhh). I don't even want to talk about my nails, and my flip flops are hiding from my feet right now (seriously).
I know that all of this was my choice, and I take full responsibility for that decision. I wanted to be here for my boys the way my mom was for me and my brother, and I know all too well how fast time flies. I also knew it would be difficult and trying sometimes (OK, most times). I saw my mom do it all on her own while my dad spent a lot of time on the road for work earning a good living for his family. I'm also lucky to have my mom living so close by so she can take Caden for a "lunch with NaNa" or even for an entire day (Cooper hangs with me, as I'm his food source). I guess I just miss being able to "schedule" time to myself and to not feel so zombie-like upon falling asleep and waking up each day (or actually remembering which day it is).
I miss the so-called "me-time," but I honestly wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world. Insane? Maybe. But there is nothing like knowing that my full-time "job" now is to shape my two little boys into chivalrous, faithful, loving, humble and driven men. It is my "calling" (at keast for right now). I am not 100% positive I'm super duper at it, but I'm sure as heck going to put my all into it each day (yeah, even on the really awful ones). I know that when I take a trip down memory lane into my childhood, I see my mom standing at the bus stop waving as we went off to school, setting up shop in her honda odyssey while I attended play practice after play practice, chasing my brother as he tore down the sidewalk (often naked), waiting in the school office when I forgot my homework, or driving up to my university just because I was having a really tough week... I see her everywhere, because she was everywhere with us. I know now how hard that was for her, and how exhausting. I also know that I wouldn't be half the woman I am today without her sacrifices. Most of all? I know it matters, because it mattered to me. So very much.
So, for now, I'll shove this "delicious" protein granola bar in my mouth and chase my toddler down the sidewalk (with the coopster in tow), and I'll remember that this is my calling. It's not easy, but I am certain it's worthwhile and life-changing (for me and for them).
[Note: I know all too well what it's like to work full time and miss your kids while they're at daycare, and to feel the pang of guilt every once in awhile. I also know how hard full-time working moms work both at their jobs and in their homes with their families. I've been on both sides of the fence. I fully realize that for many working moms having a job isn't a choice, it's a necessity for the sake of your family. Whichever way you look at it, motherhood is not for the faint of heart. It's for the full of heart.]
No comments:
Post a Comment