Is it possible to experience PTSD as a result of road-tripping it with a 23 month old? Over the past week, it was as if my beloved tot had been possessed by a tantrum-throwing, shrieking, kicking, hitting, sleep-resisting, absolutely-insane demon-child who I sincerely considered trying to exorcise. Now, I know I mostly jest about Caden's adventures (or misadventures) and his very colorful personality, but I kid you not when I say that I have NEVER experienced this side of him before the last few days, and I sincerely hope (and pray) that I NEVER experience it again (at least not without a glass of two of wine or a Xanax first). We are embarking on another long road trip and vacation in August, so to ensure I've learned something from the insanity that transpired last week, I'm going to list the worst offending moments of the trip and corresponding lessons I've learned as a result.
1. Cracker Barrel is the WORST possible place to stop for breakfast on the road with a small child. Don't get me wrong, the foood itself is wholesome, hearty and tasty, but the fact that they have a shop that you HAVE to walk through to get to your table is TREACHEROUS for toddlers like mine who absolutely believes that EVERYTHING is his, or MINE as he screams over and over and over again (while white-knuckle clenching 5 toy cars and a giggling stuffed pig). I literally had to pin Caden down and forcefully carry him into the dining area of the restaurant while he shrieked as loud and as sharp as he could muster while kicking me, arching his back and flailing all his limbs wildly. The whole restaurant clearly understood that there was a very unhappy kid who had no problem disturbing everyone's meal and any hope of peace. A few screaming minutes later, as my husband swiftly exited the building (with a flailing Caden slung over his shoulder), he actually heard a man say to his wife, "are you sure you want to stay here with that kid screaming like that?" When he told me this, I shuddered (inside and out), because I remember being the lady (pre-children) who asked the guy (my husband) that very same question at least once before, while rolling my eyes and scoffing at the parents who obviously couldn't control their child. I swore that my children would behave simply because I would not permit them to misbehave (ironic much?). Anyway, I will now avoid Cracker Barrel like the plague when Caden is with me, or put a blindfold on him when we go.
2. See above and apply the same bad behavior to a quaint (read: not kid-friendly) little Italian restaurant that my extended family chose for what was supposed to be a pleasant rehearsal dinner. True, we didn't have to deal with a jam-packed shop directly inside the restaurant, but we DID have to deal with an overtired, hungry, way-too-energetic toddler who refused to sit down or even stay in one place for more than a few seconds at a time. My aunt put together a sentimental slideshow of the happy nearly-newlyweds and it took every ounce of my strength to hold Caden back and prevent a disastorous finale to the end of the sideshow and dinner. The true testament of just how exasperated we all were at the end of the evening came when I glanced over at my dad who had the same stern look on his face that he used to get when my brother or I were very close to getting a swift kick in the "bee-hind." It's been a long time since I've seen that look. know I know... Caden's only a toddler and is still trying to figure out the crazy, confusing world that he lives in, BUT the way he was acting was truly unruly and just downright naughty. He for the second day in a row was the "bad kid" I used to roll my eyes and shake my head at. He was THAT kid, and THAT kid was mine. It's a mighty humbling moment when you, as a parent vs. a pre-childbearing adult, come to that stark realization. For me, that moment required another glass of wine and a swift exit to the car with a (thankfully) sleeping baby and a tantrum-ing toddler.
3. Evening weddings (or anything past 6 p.m.) are NOT conducive to young children doing much of ANYTHING you want them to... This includes: eating, staying in one place, playing with anything your brought for them vs. everything you don't want them to touch, not running around almost tripping already tipsy adults, etc. At this point in our journey, I felt as if I was in a nightmare (except this one was starring a particular pint-sized tow-headed monster vs. the one under my bed) and I REALLY wanted to wake up from it fast. We lasted a whole twenty minutes at the wedding reception (Phil had previously been sitting with the kids in the car during the actual ceremony to help keep the peace), and in that brief time, I spent the majority of my time chaperoning Caden on the sandy playground (in 3 inch heels too!) near the reception area. The worst part is that we all got dressed up (the husband looked so handsome in his crisp white shirt and pink tie, and the boys so dapper in their matching seersucker overalls...), and we once again ended up sitting in the car for the majority of the evening (while watching other kid-free adults have a good ole' time). In fact, our rental car saw the most action during our 6-day jaunt down south.
4. Anticipate getting little to NO sleep when trying to get cozy up in a king size hotel bed with your husband, baby and toddler. Cooper is used to sleeping in our room at night and often in our bed, as I'm still nursing, but Caden has been sleeping on his own (still in a crib) for awhile now, and had no idea or any interest in bed-sharing with the fam. After being kicked in the head/stomach/back/jaw and "sleeping" with one eye open, as I carefully guarded baby Cooper from his big brother's violent tossing and turning, I can honestly say that whoever practices the "family bed" lifestyle/parenting is much more patient/tough/not in need of sleep than me. I need a sleep vacation after my vacation.
5. When road tripping anywhere with a toddler for a distance over 100 miles (or more than a couple hours sitting in the car), do yourself a giant favor and try to find places to stop with space for your child to stretch their little legs and act like a maniac for five minutes or so (Bonus points if the place has clean-ish restrooms too). We didn't do this as much as I believe we should have, but we WILL be doing this in August IF I decide I'm brave enough to venture out with Caden on the road again (I literally just trembled again thinking about it)... Kids, especially really young kids, have short attention spans and lots of energy, so expecting them to sit still without issue for more than a couple of hours is asking far too much. Plus, if you're fairly active like me, a quick walk across the parking lot in the fresh (or not so fresh) air feels party darn good after being cooped up in a car with kids for awhile.
In summary, I leave you with the ONLY proof that we actually were at my cousin's wedding... A series of photos taken in one of those suddenly trendy instant-photo-booths. I believe these photos appropriately show the progression of what a "good time" was had by all throughout our trip to the Deep South. I'm pretty sure what we won't be hearing (anytime soon at least) is "Hey, y'all come back now ya' here..."
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