Searching for the silver lining ...

Warning: This post is not about the cute or even not-so-cute, but funny things my kids have done this week, this is a glimpse into another piece of my reality, and one that's not so rosy. 

I haven't blogged in a few days, because there has been a lot on my mind. With two small children, there's a lot on my mind everyday, but this goes beyond child-rearing. It does, however, involve family - My in-laws to be precise.

There's far too long of a story and too much history to go into here (and this is not a trashy kardashian-style tabloid story). Just imagine a series of painful, deliberate, and manipulative actions played out by my MIL (that started over ten years ago) that nearly ruined a wedding (ours), devastated a family (ours), and caused some of the greatest and most raw pain and sorrow that I've ever felt, and that we've ever felt as a family. That is the pain that I've continued to "grin and bear" through the years. That is the pain that came to a head over the past few days.

Very similar to the "five stages of grief," the reality of not being accepted and utterly disrespected by my husband's family caused me to travel through distinct phases over the past 10ish years:

1. Disbelief (Years 1-2) - For awhile I just convinced myself that everything was "normal" and that the pain I was experiencing wasn't real or "a big deal"

2. Blame (Years 2-3) I blamed myself. I remember repeatedly asking myself, "what am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? What else can I do? All I wanted was to have another family to love and to love and accept me, and I thought I had to be doing something wrong when that never happened. 

3. Fear (Year 3-4) - I was afraid that the pain they caused us would be too great for Phil and I to survive together. Fortunately, faith in God and our love for each other was much more powerful.

4. Anger (5-10) - Admittedly this stage has been the longest lasting and the most intense and destructive personally. After I realized that I wasn't to blame and there was nothing I could have done to prevent my mother in law's cruel behavior toward me, I began to fill up with anger and resentment, and even a kind of hatred that I had never known and hope to never know again. I lived with that anger for years, and swallowed it each time I had to see them (her), because my love for my husband was so great, and I didn't know how to confront all that had occurred and all that I felt. The wound was too deep. 

5. Confrontation - This is the stage I'm in right now. The anger is still there, the wound is still deep, but I have finally done what's been so long coming. I've laid everything out on the table and said all I've wanted to say for years. I've been true to my heart, and hopefully have set an example for my children to do the right thing (even when it hurts). 

I'm not sure what the next phase will be when it comes to this (too) long and painful relationship (or lack thereof), but I do know that this wound that I've carried with me can finally begin to scab over and eventually heal. Standing up for yourself against the different kinds of bullies in life presents is never easy or comfortable, but it is always necessary. With my husband (and best friend) and my boys standing next to me, I know I have everything I need and nothing to lose. 

As strange as it may sound, I thank God that I've had to experience this unpleasant and at times, devastating set of circumstances, because it has shown me as a mother what I must never do when my children find their true partners in life. They and their significant others  will know none of this pain, but only love and acceptance. 

If could speak to my future "in laws" right now, I'd say: 

Dear future daughters in law (or the loves of my sons' lives, whoever you may be): 

I love you immensely already, and I welcome you with open arms and into a place in my heart that is all yours. My son loves you, so you must be something very special. I can't wait to meet you... 

Life is a series of fortunate and unfortunate events that test us, shape us and shake us up a bit, but ultimately they show us who we truly are. My life, as far as my desire to have two supportive sets of parents (thank god for mine) has not turned out the way I'd hoped, but perhaps it's turned out the way it needed to. 

Everything in life is a blessing. Even the worst possible circumstances have a silver lining somewhere. Sometimes, it just takes a long while to find it. I'm going to keep on looking and have faith I'll find mine soon.