At the End of MY Rainbow...

Hello again! As usual, it's been a jam packed few days and I'm sitting here with my body aching and my brain half asleep and half devoted to updating this blog (oh, and watching a little Downton Abbey, too). Between the typical toddler chasing and baby bouncing, I've also been busy preparing for a "rainbow theme" baby shower for one of my first-time mama friends who's expecting a little girl! Add in a little vacation packing for four, dog grooming and 2nd year birthday bash planning and you've got a pretty fair picture of my last few days. 

The husband has been pulled into the chaos as well. Here's a sampling of skills he was so excited to practice as he "helped" me prepare for the shower:

1. Flower arranging: truth be told, he's done this one before and he's rather good at it! However, I still love watching him arrange the roses ever-so-carefully... He he.

2. Hanging-frilly-things-in-too-high-for-me-to-reach-places: whether it's bright yellow pom-poms, or multi-colored sashes, he's quite handy! 

3. Helium tank-loosening: those things are not easy to loosen! That's what husbands are for, right?! 

4. Toddler-distracting: thank goodness he was able to whisk Caden away on an "adventure" for a few hours during the shower (Baby Cooper got to stay with Mama to help host)! I don't know if Caden would've allowed my friend the pleasure of opening up her own gifts, otherwise... Not when he's going through the "MINE" stage. From my iPad to my toothbrush to the garden hose and his cars... Everything is HIS right now. So, thank you, Phil for helping me to avoid an almost certain demise at the busy hands of a nearly-two-year-old.

As much as I jest, I know that I have a good catch. Seriously. In college, Philused to go print my last-minute papers out in the middle of the night at a school he did computer work for at the time. He always buys my favorite snacks at the grocery store without me asking. He works hard so that I can stay at home and work hard raising our little men. He fixes everything because he knows how to fix everything, and I don't tell him enough how impressive that is. With his steady rationale, he keeps me from going cuckoo (or at least he tries) when I'm stressed, exhausted and overwhelmed. Best of all, he plays with my hair every night as I fall asleep. There is NOTHING more comforting or loving than that. I love you so much, Phil. I wasn't planning on making this post so much about you, but I guess that what happens when you realize how lucky you are... And I do. I  really do. (NOTE TO HUSBAND: read this post the next time I get really upset with you and tell you how absolutely mean you are, because that won't be true, but this always will be.)

Enough with the mushy-love-stuff, right?! Here's a 'quick list' of our most memorable moments for the week: 

1. Cooper trying his first bites of solid food (apples & bananas). Let's just say he put the "bitter beer" face to shame (for those of you who understand that reference). He was NOT a fan, but we'll keep trying.... Mama's milk must be too tasty! 

"What the hell is this, Mom?! Are you serious?!"

2. Caden putting on a LIVE rock concert complete with his Christmas tunes microphone and his dog-shaped "electric" guitar. Move overJagger, you've got some fresh competition! This kid is clearly ready to ROCK (if by rock you mean jam to jingle bells while pressing down the same button on his guitar over and over again. Then, clearly, yes he is ready to rock)! 

My little rockstar 

3. Witnessing Caden truly show affection and love to his little brother. Most of the time, Caden will "hug" Cooper because we ask him to, but this week I saw him genuinely want to hug and kiss cooper and that made me a very proud mama. 

I love you, brother....

 

I may cringe or hold my breath and count to ten during the particularly crazy and busy days, but I will never take for granted the opportunity I've been given to live such a full, rich and meaningful life. As rainbows were the theme of my friends baby shower, let me just say that I've already found my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  It comes in the form of 3 smart and loving men I am lucky enough to call my own. 

Searching for the silver lining ...

Warning: This post is not about the cute or even not-so-cute, but funny things my kids have done this week, this is a glimpse into another piece of my reality, and one that's not so rosy. 

I haven't blogged in a few days, because there has been a lot on my mind. With two small children, there's a lot on my mind everyday, but this goes beyond child-rearing. It does, however, involve family - My in-laws to be precise.

There's far too long of a story and too much history to go into here (and this is not a trashy kardashian-style tabloid story). Just imagine a series of painful, deliberate, and manipulative actions played out by my MIL (that started over ten years ago) that nearly ruined a wedding (ours), devastated a family (ours), and caused some of the greatest and most raw pain and sorrow that I've ever felt, and that we've ever felt as a family. That is the pain that I've continued to "grin and bear" through the years. That is the pain that came to a head over the past few days.

Very similar to the "five stages of grief," the reality of not being accepted and utterly disrespected by my husband's family caused me to travel through distinct phases over the past 10ish years:

1. Disbelief (Years 1-2) - For awhile I just convinced myself that everything was "normal" and that the pain I was experiencing wasn't real or "a big deal"

2. Blame (Years 2-3) I blamed myself. I remember repeatedly asking myself, "what am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? What else can I do? All I wanted was to have another family to love and to love and accept me, and I thought I had to be doing something wrong when that never happened. 

3. Fear (Year 3-4) - I was afraid that the pain they caused us would be too great for Phil and I to survive together. Fortunately, faith in God and our love for each other was much more powerful.

4. Anger (5-10) - Admittedly this stage has been the longest lasting and the most intense and destructive personally. After I realized that I wasn't to blame and there was nothing I could have done to prevent my mother in law's cruel behavior toward me, I began to fill up with anger and resentment, and even a kind of hatred that I had never known and hope to never know again. I lived with that anger for years, and swallowed it each time I had to see them (her), because my love for my husband was so great, and I didn't know how to confront all that had occurred and all that I felt. The wound was too deep. 

5. Confrontation - This is the stage I'm in right now. The anger is still there, the wound is still deep, but I have finally done what's been so long coming. I've laid everything out on the table and said all I've wanted to say for years. I've been true to my heart, and hopefully have set an example for my children to do the right thing (even when it hurts). 

I'm not sure what the next phase will be when it comes to this (too) long and painful relationship (or lack thereof), but I do know that this wound that I've carried with me can finally begin to scab over and eventually heal. Standing up for yourself against the different kinds of bullies in life presents is never easy or comfortable, but it is always necessary. With my husband (and best friend) and my boys standing next to me, I know I have everything I need and nothing to lose. 

As strange as it may sound, I thank God that I've had to experience this unpleasant and at times, devastating set of circumstances, because it has shown me as a mother what I must never do when my children find their true partners in life. They and their significant others  will know none of this pain, but only love and acceptance. 

If could speak to my future "in laws" right now, I'd say: 

Dear future daughters in law (or the loves of my sons' lives, whoever you may be): 

I love you immensely already, and I welcome you with open arms and into a place in my heart that is all yours. My son loves you, so you must be something very special. I can't wait to meet you... 

Life is a series of fortunate and unfortunate events that test us, shape us and shake us up a bit, but ultimately they show us who we truly are. My life, as far as my desire to have two supportive sets of parents (thank god for mine) has not turned out the way I'd hoped, but perhaps it's turned out the way it needed to. 

Everything in life is a blessing. Even the worst possible circumstances have a silver lining somewhere. Sometimes, it just takes a long while to find it. I'm going to keep on looking and have faith I'll find mine soon. 

For all the dads out there (our "late" Father's Day tribute)...

This post may be a few days late, but I couldn't forget to pay special tribute to the hardworking, homegrown heroes out there - our dads... Happy Father's Day! 

Part I - To My Dad:

My earliest memories include me laying across my dad's chest with my head tucked just under his stubbly chin as we watched Sesame Street, or anything involving our beloved muppets. I still remember the way his face felt like worn sandpaper against mine, it was rough but it tickled and made me and my little brother giggle when snuggling up to him. He invented so many make-believe games for us to play, and created innovative ways to teach us lessons along the way. Here are just a couple of my favorites:

1.) The "Who Woke Me Up" Game - my dad would lay on the floor, instruct us repeatedly not to wake him up, and then pretend to fall sound asleep (fake snoring and all). We, of course, would not waste a second in trying to "wake" him up, and he would respond with a boisterous "WHOOOOOO WOKE MEEEE UP?!" roar. My brother and I would simultaneously point at each other and giggle, and then the three of us would laugh and laugh and the cycle would begin again. Today, Caden "wakes" PaPa up all the time, and it's even more fun for me to watch my son and and my father bond than it was to participate in the silliness as a child. 

2.) The "Original" Lie Detector - if my dad thought my brother or I may be "fibbing" about something, he would ask us to give him one of our arms (which we would begrudgingly do), then he would sternly ask, "did you draw on the wall in the kitchen?" (Or whatever crime we were suspected of at the time). As he was staring us sharply in the eye, he would pretend (very dramatically) to feel a large lump rise up in whatever wrist he was holding, and with an outburst of guilt and regret, we'd shout "Ok! Yes, it was me... But I didn't mean to..." (What every guilty kid ends their confession with) My dad would then name our sentence.  After awhile, he had us SO convinced that he could detect ANY lie that we would confess our wrongdoings BEFORE he was even finished asking the question! As an adult, married with two children, I STILL cringe when my dad jokingly asks "to feel my wrist," and I STILL feel like I need to confess my guilt, even when I've done nothing wrong! Personally speaking, I cannot wait to try this timeless technique on my boys. 

Growing up, my dad was the first man I loved, the first guy who kissed me goodnight, the man who I couldn't wait to get a big "bear hug" from when I got home from school, and my very first hero. As a young adult, he became my trusted advisor, my career counselor and one of my best friends. Today, he remains the person I turn to when I need someone to make me make sense of a chaos or to help me weigh all of my options. He's all of these wonderful things to me, but much more than all of that, he's the greatest "PaPa" to my boys,  and watching history repeat and reinvent itself in front of me is one of the greatest treasures I've ever known. Happy Father's Day, Daddio. I love you so much.

Part II - To My Husband & Father of My Children

I think about how important and influential my dad remains to me, and I know without a doubt that Phil plays that same role for our boys. I see the way Caden looks up at him with his big, brown doe-like eyes, just happy to be in his presence. I hear the sweet way Cooper giggles at him as they exchange silly faces from across the room. They say "imitation is the best form of flattery" and that must be true, because Caden wants to do EVERYTHING like his "Da-da" does (from mowing the grass with his little mower, hammering away at a "project," or simply trying to out on Phil's shoes and shirt). Caden idolizes his dad, and there is not a better man out there for him to model himself after. 

I never knew how much I could love Phil until I saw him with each of our boys, and then with both of them together. I remember when we talked to the priest (before getting married) about our hopes and plans for having kids one day, and I tried at that moment to picture him as a father. I couldn't really do it, because I couldn't picture myself as a mother at that time. It felt so foreign and distant. We were still children being guided in a way.

Now, I look at Phil with one boy tucked under each capable arm, and I couldn't picture him any other way. He is a natural at it. Fatherhood has brought out the very best in him, and has made me love him more than I ever thought possible. I likely don't tell him that enough either. I hope he knows that I think it everyday, several times a day...

As I turn up the monitor in Caden's room to quietly listen in on his nightly routine, I can hear Phil lovingly reading all of his favorite books (which I know he has memorized by now), and my heart swells with pride. I watch as he showers each little man with kisses and hugs each morning, and sometimes I get teary eyed (in the best way possible). There is absolutely nothing in this world that could make me respect or love my husband more than seeing him become our boys' first hero right before my eyes. There is nothing more amazing than witnessing that. I am so proud of you, Phil. You are our rock, forever and always. Here's to our family now and to the future as it grows... Happy Father's Day, everyday to you... I love you. We love you.

To all the other fathers and grandfathers out there, living or looking down at us from heaven, thank you for your priceless influence on your children's lives. There is nothing more valiant than being a dedicated dad, because there is no greater gift than love... And we are forever grateful.

How do you measure success as a Mom?

Wow! I've got to be better about posting (at least every 2-3 days), but in all honesty, it's been a busy week! I can't say it was the kind of busy week where we had tons of places to go and people to see. It was just an intense week of toddler-chasing, swim-teaching, house-cleaning, diaper-changing, dinner-making, arts-and-crafting, baby-rocking, spit-up wiping FUN. 

As a mom to young children, every day is jam packed full of constant activity with little to no breaks in between, yet at the end of every LONG day (as you FINALLY climb into your unbelievably comfy and underused bed) you too often wonder, "what exactly did I do all day? What did I actually accomplish today?"  I've ended many days (a few this week) asking myself those questions and struggling with pinpointing the answers. Just this week, I washed and re-washed the same load of laundry twice (partly because it had been sitting in the washer too long and partly because I didn't have the energy or desire to fold it). I let Caden help  "sweep" the floor and I ended up with twice the dirt spread out in various locations.  My daily life as a stay at home mom is much different than my former office job. When completing a project, there were always tangible checkpoints along the way. Measuring success was a matter of tracking your progress from where you began to the middle and ultimately to whatever your end product turned out to be. Life as a mom is hectic, often chaotic, minutes sometimes seem like hours, yet hours somehow never seem like long enough when you're desperately trying to get everything done. I used to exercise because it felt good to move after a day sitting at my desk. Now, I exercise because it's the most relaxing and most serene thing that exists in my crazy day-to-day "routine." 

A friend recently asked me if I miss my office job. I don't even have to think about it. The answer is "no." Because even though I may not always be able to numerically list or measure what I've accomplished each day, I am able to see and celebrate the greatest successes as I experience life with my two little men. I see it in the way Caden sweetly hugs his baby brother (in between trying to sit on him), and I hear it in the way he politely asks "peeeeeeaaaaas" as I pour him a glass of milk. I witness progress when Cooper grasps each toy within his reach and responds with such excitement and satisfaction. As Caden puts his puzzles together, names and matches animals, or asks to go "pee pee" in the potty, I feel nothing short of absolute pride. There has NEVER been a more exhausting, exhilarating, hectic, and rewarding time of my life than the phase I'm living in right now. As cheesy as it may sound, my children are by far my greatest accomplishments, and there is no salary or any amount of money that could make me as rich as I already am. I know that, as with every job, I won't be perfect (at being a mom), but I will go at it with 110% dedication and love (I can't promise that much energy though...).

I'm going to measure my success in hearing new words from Caden, cuddles with both boys, kisses, tight squeezes, story time giggles, and all the other tokens of love I collect in my too long and not long days. 

How do you measure success as a parent? 

Caden climbs into the baby tub with            Cooper to "help" ...

Look for our special Father's Day post coming soon!!

No place like home...

Well, I survived a weekend of trying-to-successfully-relive-my-college-days-but-not-really-doing-it-well. I wish I could say that I was exhausted from two full days/nights of "partying like it's 1999" (or 2003), but the truth is I'm strongly resembling the walking dead for the following reasons:

1. My crazy "old school" revisiting of my college days included consuming 4 drinks total (for the entire weekend), and yet I felt like it may as well have been 40. Here's the thing... I've always been a "lightweight." Now, I'm just a "nursing mama of two who is used to drinking coffee instead of beer" lightweight.  The 4 drinks did me in, and I unabashedly waved the white flag. The "college me" may have rallied, but the "thirty-something me" surrendered and gladly switched to water instead.

2. Since I thought it not wise to tote the kiddos to a weekend of revelry (they gladly stayed with NaNa and PaPa), I had to tote the oh-so-chic portable breast pump with me instead. Let's be honest, it's not a party until you break out the Medela bag (all you moms know exactly what I'm talking about)! Anyway, between my 4 drinks and my frequent pumping breaks, I may have become a tad dehydrated (and frustrated at walking back and forth to the dorm to relieve myself!). 

3. Part of experiencing college again involved me agreeing to stay on campus in a dorm. Remember those monochromatic extremely tight living spaces with the super uncomfortable twin extra-long (pancake thin) mattresses and the community bathrooms? Yeah, those dorms. After tossing and turning until dawn (4 drinks wasn't enough to numb me from the springs pressing into my back), I have come to the conclusion that my younger self must've either had a better mattress, or a lot less sensitivity and much thicker skin! Ouch! (Dear Husband, if you're creeping on my blog right now, we are so NOT staying in the dorms next time. Got it?) 

4. Did you REALLY think I could leave my children for the ENTIRE weekend?! Here's what you need to know about me (if you don't already): I have trouble with two things, relaxing and relinquishing control. Even though I knew I was leaving the boys in the most capable hands possible, I could not go an entire less-than-48-hours without kissing/snuggling/holding them. I DID have freshly squeezed (or pumped) milk to deliver to baby Cooper, and it was his FIRST time taking a bottle vs. drinking straight from the tap. So, after my first night away, I I drove back home (an hour from my alma mater) the next morning to visit with my munchkins, then back again later that day to live it up with the college pals, and finally back home in the wee hours of morning. Sound complicated? Maybe, but that's my middle name. 

So, for all of the above reasons (and the full acceptance that I'm not a carefree college kid anymore), I am STILL recovering from my not-so-youthful weekend. On the plus side, I was able to see some of my very favorite people on earth, including a dear friend (and former roommate) that I miss terribly already! For that reason alone, I am very glad I didn't let my mommy guilt didn't keep me away from my super wild and crazy weekend (yes, you're allowed to laugh now... I am).

I had fun, and I also realized along the way that I'm totally fine being a super-dedicated, maybe-a-little-too-hands-on-mom. There's a part of me that wishes I could loosen the reigns a little bit and turn down the worry a notch, but all in all, I am fine with accepting that this part of my life is all about my kids. 

Up until now, I envied the moms or parents that could "get away" from their children and unwind for a few days at the beach (or wherever) with no worries, no regrets. Now, I know that given the opportunity, I couldn't unwind as much as I wound myself up thinking about Caden and Cooper's little faces and missing them terribly. If I'm going to stick my toes in the sand, I better have 2 sets of little piggies right there next to me. I may not be able to party like I did a decade ago, but I can give the  best big "bear hugs" and giggle like Elmo (or "mo-mo" as Caden calls him) like you wouldn't believe! Dorothy was right. "There's no place like home," and that's precisely where I want to be...

    Caden practicing his "swimming" in the bath.

    Cooper showing off his cute-chunky-cheeks 

Old school (it's time for a reunion)

Hello, Thursday (a.k.a 1-day-until-the-freakin-weekend). You're a very welcome guest this week my friend! Firstly, because I'm absolutely positively wiped out from all the parenting fun that I've enjoyed this week, and secondly because this weekend is the husband's 10-year college reunion (my 9 year because I'm so much younger and more vibrant). We both went to the same "party" school, and I can't wait to see/hangout with some old pals! 

However, as excited as I may be, I must admit I'm a little apprehensive about the following:

1. Leaving baby Cooper for the first time

 Yes, he'll be left with his very capable and loving NaNa & PaPa, but he depends on me for all of his nourishment, and this will be his first time taking bottles :-(  (good luck NaNa!)

2. Missing my "cadebug"

Caden has stayed with my parents a few times now, but I don't miss him any less than I did the first time I was away. He'll be in heaven with his grandparents, and I'm sure they'll buy him a new toy car (or two ... or five). He probably won't even want to leave come Sunday!

3. I'm even more of a lightweight than I was in college

When it comes to throwing back a few, gimme one beer and I'm tipsy and slurring my speech (I'm serious, peeps). So, I'm just-telling-you-right-now, if we're going to play any sort of drinking games like we did in the "good old days," I'm holding up the white flag right now my friends.

4. I'm a mom now and there's this thing called social media (hello Facebook, twitter, Pinterest, tumblr and whatever-the-heck-else-there-is)

Knowing that, I am going to have to refrain from completely humiliating myself for the whole World Wide Web to see, m'kay? (I'm so thankful I graduated before Facebook took over the universe.)

5. I don't have time for a headache the next day. 

I've got mouths to feed (literally),  and I'm pretty sure nursing would suck with a hangover. 

6. I've come to terms that I'm not-that-old-but-not-that-young-either 

The only staying up until past 3 a.m. I do is baby-related. If it were up to me, I'd spend this weekend without the kiddos going to bed at 8 p.m. I'm not kidding.

Ok, so now that I got those worries out in the open, I feel better. Bring on the reunion (I'll be chasing my beer with excedrin and water)! Go U-D! 

On a serious note, I really am grateful thatching & I will be able to hang out with such a special group of friends that have truly become family to us. We can reminisce about where we all first met and bonded. My life wouldn't be nearly as full without our college friends. I know that, and I thank God for them all the time. They are the Aunts & Uncles to my boys, and I can't wait to see our kids grow up together!  I know there are already some arranged marriages planned, and frankly I'm cool with that! 

I'm also very thankful Caden & Cooper will be in such good hands. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, we are some lucky ducks to have my parents living in the same city. I don't take that for granted, and I hope I never will.

I'm ready for some old school fun. Life is (exhaustingly) good! 

  Phil & I  in our "college days" circa 2003

One for the books...

Well, today was definitely one for the books (if there was a book of days that make-you-want-to-rip-every-hair-out-of-your-head-while-screaming-madly). I'm going to try to remember everything that happened, but I fear I may have already blocked some of it out of my mommy-brain forever. 

The day started off innocent enough with the usual Caden screaming "mama, mama, mama" louder then you would think physically possible for a 22 month old (what size are his vocal cords?!). Then, as I step into his bedroom, he declares "POOP!!! POOP!!!" Great. "Thanks, I can smell it buddy." Good morning to me.  The husband makes Caden a quick breakfast, puts Cooper in his seat,  and then he's off to "bring home the bacon" while I have the absolute pleasure of scraping the leftover chewed up and spit out pancakes off the floor/table/wall/dogs/toddler. Yum. 

Here's a 'hit list' of the other fun activities we enjoyed today:

1. Caden putting Cooper in a headlock and pretending to eat him like Cookie Monster aggresively eats his cookies (nom nom nom nom nom)

2. Caden pulling Nessie's tail and ears and yelling "HI!!!" (She responded with equally loud yelps and squeaking sounds). How's that for a greeting?!

3. Caden hammering me on the head with his wooden toy hammer. It hurt. A lot. Who makes that thing?!

4. Caden stuffing way too many chips in his mouth and once again acing as Cookie Monster with so much gusto that the entire restaurant was staring at us (in pure admiration obviously)

5. Caden eating dog food (pretty typical, actually) even though he didn't finish his own dinner 

6. Cooper being very uncharacteristically fussy the entire day (he's teething big time) and Caden telling me it's because he has "POOP!!!" He doesn't, but Caden keeps insisting he does. Over and over again. 

7. Mama trying to go the the swim club with one kid thinking that may be semi-relaxing, and leaving an hour later because a previously mentioned fussy cooper just wasn't having it. At all.

8. Caden demanding "COOKIES (pronounced cah-cah)" after dinner, and then emptying an entire new container of super yummy smiley-face busken cookies on to the floor when presented with them. 

9. The dogs desperately trying to devour 'said' cookies and mama rescuing every last one 

10. Caden grabbing kitchen scissors from the dishwasher only to "run" into the playroom to try his hand at wood carving (the new wooden floors!) Luckily, we caught him just-in-time! 

11. Cooper continuing to be a fuss-bucket and refusing all naps. 

12. Caden launching every single one of his dozen bath toys out of the bath tub and flooding th floor. 

13. Caden & Cooper peeing in their baths (happens almost every night)

15. Caden eating his bath bubbles like.... You guessed it... Cookie Monster!

Let it be known that there was no more than an hour in between any of fhese episodes, so needless to say I'm exhausted/terrified/possibly scarred for life and need some R & R in a bad way.  My brain is shutting off for the evening and I'm keeping my fingers/toes/eyes crossed that tomorrow is a much better, less eventful day. Oy. 

But enough about my fun, fun day... How the heck was yours? 

What's up Oreo face?

Addicted to motherhood

I haven't been averaging a daily post, so I don't want to get anyone's hopes up (for all my legions of readers) that this blog post is me turning over a new leaf (because let's be honest there are some nights I just watch mindless reality tv and enjoy letting my brain function on autopilot). With that being said, here's another post for you...

Today was another pool day. This time we actually were able to stay for a couple of hours (as yesterday our plans were abruptly interrupted by mama nature). Caden loves the water! I think he's definitely going to be my little fish. Now, we just need to focus on getting those arms and legs moving so my little fish can paddle with the best of them! Mark my words, this little guy will be swimming on his own by the time the summer is through (because one of my biggest pet peeves is when kids aren't taught to swim when they're young. Parents, this is a critical skill for children to have, take the time to make it happen). The water was a tad icy, but as all parents know, moms and dads cannot act like it is too cold if you want your kid to actually make contact with the water. So, my prior theatrical experience came in handy today as I slowly waded into the shallow end with a smile on my face while my fists clenched in protest and my toes curled from the "perfect" temperature of the water. Eventually, as with everything, you get used to it, but I'm here to tell you that slowly wading into the water is NOT the best way. It's kind of like ripping off a band-aid, you have to do it fast and completely to feel the least amount of discomfort. All in all, our pool day was a success, and I'm grateful for NaNa and PaPa for helping me reel in my little fish while also allowing me to not completely ignore my littlest catch (Cooper, of course). As we were leaving (sporting way, way too much stuff for 2 small children), I momentarily reminisced about what it was once like (pre-children) to go to the pool just to "lay out" while lazily perusing celebrity gossip magazineg, sipping vitamin water (or something similar) and planning my evening out with my childless friends. It's a distant memory, and one that's fading with each soggy swim diaper I take off, or each swimmie I blow up. 

Speaking of pre-children days, I've been thinking on and off about that time in my life and wondering what the heck I filled my days with. Don't get me wrong, I had plenty to do with a full-time demanding job, a husband/best friend to plan adventures with, spending time with family and friends, and getting my workouts in. I did plenty, but yet as I think back to those days and years, I truly don't miss them. I'm glad Phil and I took the time to establish ourselves in our marriage and in our careers, to hang out with our friends (married and not), to celebrate the births of the first new kiddos of our close group of friends, etc. I wouldn't change the order of any of those things either. At the same time, when I hear people say they want to go back and "relive their twenties," I can't say I feel the same. To me, my twenties (and frankly my entire life) was a series of phases and events to prepare me for the most fulfilling, exhausting, exhilarating, gratifying, frustrating, glorious time of my life... Right now, in the midst of motherhood. 

Sure, I sometimes wish I could not have to plan my workouts around nap time, or fit them in on the way to do something-else-for-the-kids, but I accept it. I get it. It's part of being a mom. There is no guaranteed "me time." I'm fortunate that I have a very supportive husband and great parents, but even with all of that help, I never count on having more than a few moments to myself. There are definite days I complain to the husband and to my mom. Sometimes, I even beg for one of them to "come home early" or to "just please come over," because otherwise I might lock myself in a closet and never come out. 

Despite any and all of that, I would NOT trade a single moment of a single day where I'm spending time with the two greatest accomplishments in my life. I mean that. In truth, I believe this may not be ALL I was called to do in this life, but I do believe it is the biggest and most important. I get to raise two amazing little boys and shape them into fine gentlemen (you better believe they will be holding your door, ladies!). That's my job, and believe it or not, I don't want to take a week away from them at an all-inclusive resort or a trip to Vegas. Heck, I'll be away (maybe) for a weekend, and I'm already missing them! I go to the gym, or to run an errand, or to meet a friend, and I can't wait to see their little faces again when I step through the door. I can be bone-achingly tired, and one (or better yet two) big grins can pick me right back up (OK,  the added few cups of coffee helps too). I'm not saying any of this to sound cheesy, or to paint the world of motherhood all rosy and full of sunbeams (because it's actually made of many, messy colors and replace sunbeams with "pee-pee"). I'm saying this because it's true. I admit it. I am addicted to being a mom and I (mostly) enjoy it, too (don't tell the husband)!

Also, as a mom, I can promise you that I sincerely try not to judge any other moms out there. I don't care if you're formula feeding or breastfeeding, working or staying home (or a little of both), putting your baby in a crib or bed-sharing, organic food growing or occasionally McDonald's feeding. If you're truly putting your child/children first and accepting (even begrudgingly) that you now come second (most of the time), you're doing a good job. If you doubt nearly everything you do, you're normal (whatever that is). If you don't think you can keep going, you're human. It's the hardest, yet most rewarding job on earth. So, even when it's brutal, just remember to appreciate it... Motherhood. It's a blessing and it doesn't happen for everyone. Remember that the next time your kid says something mean, throws an epic tantrum, or launches their entire plate of sausage and pancakes across the table (thanks, Caden). No one could do your job better than you. Why you ask? Because you're "Mom" (remember how you thought your mom could do ANYTHING. Well, that's YOU now). You're a superhero in your very own universe. Mother on...