For the Good, Bad & Everything In Between...

The other day Caden and I were looking through my baby album and I was trying to explain to him (as best you can to a 22 month old with the attention span of a fly) that he was looking at photo of "mama as a baby." I am not sure he got it, but it made me realize how quickly time has passed in my life, and how quickly it will continue to pass as I watch my babies grow.

My mom laughs as she recalls that every night before going to sleep, I would have to cover up EVERY doll AND stuffed animal (and I had far too many) with a washcloth or Kleenex if I ran out of washcloths. I'd sing to them, tell them stories, and kiss them goodnight. Then, I would get ready for bed. While I giggle at the thought of this, I also give a lot of kudos to my mom and dad for surviving that routine every night... It sounds exhausting (and how much kleenex did we go through?!). 

Caden lines up his cars along the window sill in the playroom, and then tells them "bye" before running up for his bath/books/bedtime routine each night. It's fun to watch him carefully place them bumper to bumper while talking quietly to them. It also reminds me that some things in life are not only timeless, but also gender neutral, like the instinct to take care of something (for me, dolls and for Caden, cars). I hope he continues to develop that nurturing instinct as he grows and one day cares for his own family. 

Thinking of that makes me think of the many experiences in my life (so far) that I think conditioned and continue to prepare me for the tenderness and toughness that it takes to be a good mother.  There are too many to list here (and that require more detail than this tired mama has the energy to unravel), so here's the "short list":

1. Watching my mom do-it-all for my younger brother and I every day without pause and without complaint. Everything I ever needed or didn't even realize I needed she provided to me. When I graduated from high school the main office said they'd "really miss seeing me AND my mom."  I still smile thinking about how she attended EVERY concert or play I was involved in, and may also have been in the office every (other) day bringing a notebook/paper/lunch I happened to forget at home. I, too, want my children to know that they will ALWAYS have me by their side and in their cheering section (I just prayed they're a little less absent-minded).

2. Knowing what it's like to be the odd man (or woman) out.  Although, it's still painful (more than twenty years later) to take a "walk down memory lane" into my small catholic grade school years, I do it from time to time. Being the kid that was singled out, made fun of, and deliberately brought to tears is a BIG part of what makes me a stronger, more aware and more compassionate as a mother and human being. After all, I know firsthand what it's like to have your confidence ripped to shreds so that you're left standing with two things:  1) faith that GOD will help you survive the bullying, and 2) a piece of your soul that, although injured, will grow to one day become the strongest part of you, the part that drives you forward to become better, more loving, and deeply determined to succeed not in spite of what happened to you, but BECAUSE of it. I thank God all the time for every harsh word spoken to me, and for every ostracizing moment of my adolescence. Sound crazy? Not to me.  Without all of it, my eyes and my heart may not be opened as wide as they are today. 

3. Having such noble, relevant mamas to try to emulate. I've mentioned my own mother as my most influential role model, but I am also beyond grateful (and amazed) at the other mothers and women that have inspired and continue to inspire everyday by acting with such grace, integrity, and compassion under some pretty unfavorable and challenging circumstances. I won't name these women out loud (or online), but I pray they know who they are. Often, it is their perseverance that keeps me going on the days I feel like throwing up my hands. Their courage becomes mine. If they can keep at it, so can I.... so will I.

I know I wouldn't be the person or mother I am today without having experienced all the good, bad, and in between moments. I thank God for allowing me every minute of every new day (oh, and a special shout-out to my mom for being patient enough to allow me to use every washcloth you had to tuck my dolls in each night).

         

  

 [It's been a  really great week, and Caden continues to snuggle with mama (which I will never get enough of). I'd like to bottle it up, so I can spread it around during the next string of not-so-good days (and I know they're likely coming soon).]