To my Cooper Ryan...

As I nursed Cooper before bed tonight, I couldn't help but kiss his beautiful face over and over again. This wonderfully sweet-natured, giggling, raspberry-blowing baby boy will be nine months old tomorrow. It's a little shocking how fast that time has gone. I remember feeling the same way with Caden around that age. Of course, I had also just found out I was already pregnant again with Cooper! 

Somehow though these past nine months seem to have gone by at triple the speed! I'm certain it's because there are now two little boys who need my attention, a new home we've inhabited and most recently a new business I've started. I feel very blessed, but there are moments like tonight, as I stared into Cooper's twinkling eyes and ran my fingers through his wispy blonde hair, that I truly want to stop the clock. 

Every minute my babies grow a little older and a little more independent (recently a lot more in Caden's case). Every day, they grow a little more into the great men they'll become. I can't put into words (hard to believe, I know) the level of pride or the magnitude of love I feel for these little boys. It's the kind of love that fills every inch of me with joy and awakens me with worry. It's the kind of love that makes me give everything I have and never feel like it's enough. If I never accomplished anything else in this lifetime, my two beautiful boys would be enough.

I didn't plan this post as an ode to my children, but I just feel so overwhelmed with the feeling of life so quickly moving that I guess that's what it's become. 

In honor of my lovable, chunky little guy and his soon to be nine months of life, here are the...

"Top Ten Things I adore about Cooper Ryan Smith"

1. His crinkly, smiling eyes always so full of light and joy 

2. His kissable cheeks - so soft and smooth and perfect

3. The way we lock eyes when he's nursing. I treasure those sweet moments.

4. His wispy, feathery tow-headed mane that curls around his face and on the top of his sweet head

5. His infectious giggle 

6. His insatiable appetite - 3 jars of food and some yogurt? Pretty typical meal for this guy

7. The way he loudly says "muah!" as he kisses me over and over again 

8. His sheer determination to move himself forward only to end up going backwards 

9. His "clap, clap, clap" 

10. His beautiful soul... He truly shines from the inside out with joy and love and a serenity I've never seen. I'm so very blessed God chose me to be his mama. Happy nine months, "Coopie." 

Feeling full...

Sorry for not meeting my weekly commitment to share a post in bloggerverse last week. I got caught up with life and all of its wackiness. I am recommitting myself now. No excuses.

It isn't that life has been particularly crazy or any more hectic than usual. It's that it's been more full--- full of finishing up home improvement projects, welcoming cooler weather and warmer clothing, swinging on the front porch, encouraging Cooper to crawl, watching "Monsters, Inc." for the 500th time, and jumping into managing my very own business while remaining a full time stay at home mom. It's been a very full life lately, and you know what? I really like it that way. 

Like many moms, I was starting to feel like I was getting lost in the shuffle and flattened by the daily grind. Everyday was  starting to feel like "groundhog day" (see previous post). I felt like a robot programmed with one setting -"motherhood." The problem was there was no "OFF" button and little to no recharging. 

Upon re-reading my last entry, I realized that I had to shake things up a little, and commit to finding some time (even an hour a day and/or night) to enjoy being me again. I'll be honest, I'm good at making lists, but not so good at following them. I think I do if more to attempt to get things off my mind, but not necessarily to put into action. I admire those of you who can pen a killer "to do" and then execute it like there's no tomorrow. Since that's unfortunately not me, I just started doing the stuff bouncing around my head, or the stuff kept me wide awake at night. Stuff like... 

Finally creating "planes, trains and automobiles" art for Caden's room (Now, cooper's room is next!)

It's hard to see the detail here... But I had a lot of fun getting back in touch with my creative and artistic side, and it truly helped me relax. All four pieces are now displayed on Caden's wall and every time he looks at them he says "mama" and smiles the biggest smile. That's like getting a "five star review" in my book.

Getting to the gym six days a week for forty minutes of fitness - rain or shine, cranky or happy, tired or more tired... I'm there.

I'm not a calorie counter and I don't usually know how much I weigh on any given day. That's not why I go to the gym. I'm there because it keeps me sane. Whether it's the natural endorphins, the time to myself, or the boost of confidence that I feel when I walk out the door to trek back home, exercise really is my drug. 

Framing and hanging our recent family photos in the "perfect" spot 

This may seem pretty simple, but I bought those frames when we first moved into our house six months ago. I had no idea where they would go, how thru would look, or what photos would inhabit them. So, for six months I had six frames (one not pictured here) that sat without purpose in a dark closet until one of my late night revelations brought them to life (well, that and a little help from my handy husband). I am so pleased with his they turned out! 

Welcoming fall into our home, and particularly to our front porch...

A little autumn garland, a warm wreath, some new colorful cushions, a few mums and voila! All I need now is a cup of hot cocoa, a good book and both kids napping! I love this time of year and am grateful we have a beautiful space to enjoy it.

And last but not least, I started my own communications/marketing business - something I've always wanted to do...

When I left my corporate job after Cooper was born, I knew I was leaving so that I could spend more time with my boys, so that I could experience them as little people navigating through the world for the first time. I also feared that I'd not be able to find a way to satiate my urge to write and create. That's a big reason I began this blog. I knew it would be good reflective therapy as an exhausted mama, a nice way to capture memories (naughty and nice ones) for the boys, and hopefully a place where other moms (and dads) could go to giggle and nod and maybe even cry (the therapeutic kind of tears that happen when you realize there are others out there like you...). This blog helped me realize that I could take an even bigger leap. Why not start my own business? Why not just try? So, after a few more staring-at-the-ceiling self reflections, I decided the details (business cards, website, marketing) could wait. I'd just try my hand at what I do best ... Jumping in. It's only been a few short weeks, but I have some initial assignments booked and I'm feeling the love. 

As I wrap this up, I'm gotta say I'm feeling very full --- full of gratitude that God has given me the capacity to nurture those I love most while also nurturing my my mind, body and soul. 

I needed a wake up call, so I stopped making lists. I started making things happen. 

To all the mamas (and dads) still awake out there counting ideas and hopes and to do's instead of sheep, stop over thinking it... Don't starve yourself of your own time and talents. Spend time filling yourself up again. Be full. 

My very own "Groundhog Day"

Let me start by saying that there is not a single day that goes by that I don't realize how fortunate I am to be healthy, to have children and a husband who are healthy, to live in a beautiful home with many amenities that I know many people in our nation and beyond live without. I am grateful just to be here and I completely get that and thank god everyday. That being said, I will also admit that there are many mornings (like this morning) that I wake up, as I kick both lazy dogs to the end of the bed, stare at the ceiling and try to muster up the energy and enthusiasm to dive into my very own Groundhog Day. And as I round the corner (before I've had my coffee)  into the kitchen and hear my two year old whining "Mama... Mama.... Cookies! Cookies," I can totally relate to Phil Connors as he tries unsuccessfully to avoid the seemingly ever-present and über irritating Ned. I'm not comparing my toddler to an irritating insurance salesman (or am I?), but I am saying that life as a SAHM can be pretty monotonous at times

Each morning without fail, Caden will demand cookies for breakfast and I will have to explain to him (for the bizillionth time) why we can't have cookies for breakfast. I will shove a plate of pancakes or peanut butter toast in front of him, while opening up a can of puréed bananas for Cooper and trying desperately to get caffeine into my system (if I could have a drip IV I would) and maybe a few real bites of food (wait... is a protein bar food?). This is my every.single.morning. There is very little variation. Though I cannot say that each day unfolds exactly the same way, I can certainly promise that there will be several nonsensical tantrums, at least a few viewings of Monsters, inc. (or "momers" as Caden calls it), lots of wet and/or super smelly diapers, a handful of Cooper being tackled by Caden encounters, a minimum of two timeouts, countless wiping of the counters/floors/walls/hands/faces, and an endless stream of "No...No...  Mama said No... No... NO!!!" The scenery and activities may shift slightly, but the characters and plot remain the same (quite similar to any movie starring Jennifer Aniston). So, while I still count my blessings everyday, I sometimes find my mind wandering to the world that exists beyond these kiddie-smudged walls.

I know I'm not alone. I see it in the haggard, vacant stares of other mamas that I spy at the grocery store. I watch the mom next to me on the elliptical as she run-pedals into oblivion just trying to hang to the maybe thirty or forty mere minutes she has to herself... I hear it in the strained voices of moms imploring their adventurous kiddo to "get out from under the table... Stop licking that... Get that out of your mouth right now... 1...2...3..." I see it, I feel it, I hear it and I get it.  I'm right there with you Mommies. We are seeing our shadows together - day in and day out. 

So,  here's what I've decided. I'm going to do at least 1-2 things everyday (with or without the kiddos) that make the day stand out in some way. They don't have to be big or even that exciting. They just have to be something that keeps things interesting and keeps me in the world of the living. Here are a few things I've done over the last few days... 

1. Have a dance party in the kitchen with the boys: this was so much fun and a great way to burn some calories and some energy before nap time. We covered some oldies and some newbies and made up some pretty awesome dance moves too! Look out Miley. You may know how to twerk it, but me and my boys know how to work it! 

2. Paint my nails with a color or pattern I wouldn't normally do:  This sounds minor but it actually did a lot to brighten my mood and my day. I usually play it pretty safe with a palette of corals and pinks, but check out these digits.... Pretty "cray, cray" right? It's the little things...

3. Do something artistic (or get back in touch with the more interesting part of my brain):  I used to be a very creative, vibrant, innovative person, and too often I forget to let that side of myself out (or I'm too exhausted to even try to create anything other than a weekly grocery list). I have been wanting to do some artwork for the boys' rooms, starting with Caden, who has a "planes, trains and automobiles" theme. This is a work in progress (and only the first of a few pieces to come), but here's proof I have preserved some of my creativity... (Again, it's not done yet...)

While those things may seem unexciting to the average person, or non-parent, they definitely add a little zest to my life and a slight spring to my step, and most importantly they help to differentiate the long days and nights that seem all too often to blend together. They remind me that I'm still at steering wheel (somewhat) in control of my own life. They make me feel alive. I may still have a lot to learn about motherhood and being an adult (because I still feel like a kid), but I do know that it's not easy to stay positive when your life starts to feel like it's a little lackluster. So, if a daring new nail color or a dance-off in the den is what gives it a little pizazz... Well, then I'm going to dance my colorful, creative hiney off! The dishes and laundry can wait. After all, something tells me they'll be there tomorrow...

    This kid knows how to enjoy life that's for sure...

Mom A.D.D.

I have so much "stuff" floating around in my head right now, all of which I could devote an entire post (or two). I'm not positive I've always had ADD, but I'm fairly certain I've developed it as a mom. In fact, sometimes I not only have spur of the moment, flitting half-thoughts inside my head, but I actually verbalize them to other people and then act surprised when they seem lost or confused about what the heck I'm talking about. For example, the husband and I will be sitting at our nightly dinner, which consists of us shoving half-chewed up bites rapidly in our mouths while asking Caden to "stop climbing on the table, no seriously stop it right now...stop... 1-2-3..." Phil will start telling me something we need to do or a really interesting story about a really interesting thing that happened at work, and I will suddenly say "oh wow so that's what it is... I get it now... yes that's it.., she was right!" Phil will stare at me like I have a huge glob of food on my forehead (which I probably do), and suddenly I'll realize that I had another disruptive, out of left field thought that was not intended to be out loud and without any transition whatsoever. Happens all the time - kind of like trying to focus on this blog post tonight. Wait. What was I writing about? .... Oh yeah.... All the "gems" that float around in my mom brain... Right... 

So, because there's too much in my noggin and not enough energy in my fingers, here's an executive summary of what I'm currently thinking/focusing on:

 

1. How do you differentiate between the "terrible twos" and behavior that is beyond that cliche? 

Caden is a very sharp, very active and very willful toddler. His willfulness is mostly what is causing mama and him to butt heads more often than not these days. It's not that he puts himself in harms way or lacks caution, it's simply that he is always testing me and very purposely defying me. I will ask him to clean something up and he will look me straight in the eye and turn into a pint size tornado pulling every toy and trinket off the shelves and on to the floor, while tipping over easels and bonking cooper on the head... It's amazing the havoc he can cause in a matter of a few seconds! That brings me to my second topic...

 

2. How do you effectively discipline a two year old?

Recently (starting 3 weeks ago), I started the "1-2-3" warning followed by a 2 minute timeout (a minute for each year of age) with Caden. He seems to respond to this and is apologetic after receiving a timeout, but the behavior is not necessarily improving. So, I'm constantly researching the most effective ways to discipline yore toddler while also teaching him cause and effect so that he's learning how to modify his behavior. I think what I'm missing is talking through the process more with him (at least that's what the experts in cyberspace are telling me...). He needs to know his feelings are validated while also learning to use his "words" to tell me why he's frustrated. And speaking of words...

3. What is a "normal" range of vocabulary for a typical two year old? I know it likely varies a lot from tot to tot. I also know that girls are typically much more verbal than boys. Lord knows I was (and still am)! Caden is just saying a few phrases, but no real sentences yet. When he wants something he typically brings me to it or points to it or uses part of a word, and because I speak "cadenese" fluently, I know what he's asking. So, what's the real "normal?" Today, it seems like everyone is so quick to get their child signed up for speech therapy if they're not communicating as expected... But the truth is I'm not sure what I should expect at this point of our two year journey together.  I don't want to jump the gun, yet I don't want to be dismissive... What's the right answer (and why is parenting a toddler like a game of jeopardy)? 

There you have it... Those are the primary questions and thoughts running rampant in and outside my head along with trying to sleep train Cooper (who would rather sleep-eat with mama all night), restart potty training (kind of) with Caden, trying to keep in touch with my own interests/hobbies/work (yeah right), and searching for some time with friends had my very neglected husband (sorry Phil).

Most of the time, I maintain a pretty laid back kind of vibe, and despite the thousands of things I have to do and figure out, I remember to get on the floor and just play with my kids, to cuddle with them on the couch and to give them as many kisses as I can fit into one day at a time, BUT I then find myself laying in bed on nights like tonight wondering how to answer all the questions and quiet the doubt in my head. It truly never ends... And tomorrow it will all begin again, and I'll have more questions without answers and more worries about mistakes I I'm making... I'll also likely shout out a few things at the dinner table that make absolutely no sense (sorry again, Phil). Ahhhhh.... So..... 

What were we talking  about again?!?!