I'm sorry that it's been two weeks-ish since my last post, but life has been crazy. Crazy busy, crazy good, crazy bad and just plain crazy. I'm not going to lie, there were probably times I could have thought of something to blog about, but honestly my brain and body have been on overdrive lately and I have lacked the motivation/energy to try to find words for all that's been going on. Excuses, excuses... Lame. know. I'm sorry.
Over the last few weeks..
Cooper has gotten his first cold (after being free of sickness for over 9 months). He handled it like a rock star and sailed through with ease (just with a few more boogers than usual). After Cooper recovered, I got bronchitis and then an awful ear infection (outer and inner), which totally threw me for a loop as I thought only kids got those! 2 pain medications and 3 antibiotics later and I'm finally on the mend. Although, my ears are still full of fluid and won't pop (which is beyond irritating), but at least the stabbing pain is gone. I seriously have complete admiration for kiddos that suffer through these terrible infections with a smile. Lord knows I wasn't smiling!
And here's the biggest and "baddest" news... Phil recently found out he's going to have to start traveling again for his job. He hasn't traveled consistently since before we were married in 2008. 2 houses, 2 dogs and 2 kids later, a lot had changed! Right now, it appears he'll he traveling the majority of the week every week.
Besides being heartbroken that my best friend and partner won't be by my side every day and night, I am also heartbroken for my boys. Caden, especially, has so many rituals that involve Phil. He helps bathe him and blows the best and biggest bubbles. He wrestles with him as only dads can and transforms into the tickle monster to get every last giggle out. Every night we read to the boys together and after I say goodnight, Phil stays with Caden and tucks him tightly in and kisses all his "boo-boos" (most imaginary cuts and bruises) so they feel better.
Phil is as hands-on as any Dad (or parent) could ever be, and as I think about him "leaving on a jet plane" to report to work in a different city miles away from those he loves and those who love him, my heart aches unbearably.
I'm no stranger to experiencing life without one parent around during the week. My dad traveled often when my brother and I were young and is still up in the air most of the time twenty-something years later! Although, like anything in life, we got used to him being away and only home on the weekends, I remember feeling constant loneliness and being jealous of the other kids whose fathers were home every night for dinner.
I didn't realize until how how exhausting, frustrating and lonely that must've been for my mom too. She did absolutely everything for us and never ever took a break (that I can remember). While my dad retired in his hotel room in the evening, my mom's work day never stopped. Even when she closed her eyes, she slept with one half open. I took all of that for granted of course as a child, but now as I get ready to face it, I can honestly say I'm terrified and dreading it.
I know that I've never been good at being alone. I'm the kind of person that is much happier around a chosen few that I love. I can adapt and I will, but I really despise that I have to and that the boys have to adapt to not seeing their "da-da" every night. They are both beautiful, curious, loving and perfectly secure little beings right now, and I want NOTHING to chip away at their self confidence. The real world will do that soon enough. Why in the hell does it have to happen now?
As you can see, the news of Phil traveling is not settling well with me. I am desperately trying to think of it as a "temporary" thing, but I am beyond terrified of not knowing what the future holds. I've had my husband home with me for 5 years. That is all of our married life together! How can I not be terrified of doing this all without him? He's truly been our rock and without him here I feel already as if I'm beginning to crumble.
I'm a strong woman, of that I have no doubt, but given the choice I would never choose for any of us to be apart. This is going to be really, really tough...
My mind and heart are too full and the right words haven't come easy these last couple of weeks, so forgive me for my absence and pray that I somehow find the strength to accept the road ahead (praying hard that it's a very short one).
J is putting in his resume at WS. Maybe that will become something?
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