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During my unintentional blogging hiatus, God has found some little and some larger ways to open my eyes a little wider to the world within and beyond my four walls. Too often, I let my mind wander too far ahead and before I know it I'm envisioning next week and next month and even next year instead of just being present today. I can't tell you how many nights I've closed my eyes only to listen to my head play out every possible best case and worst case scenario for every person in my family and often my friends.
I realized a long time ago that I have a difficult time just letting the present unfold, and while taking control can be a great thing, it can also lead to never truly feeling a sense of peace or accomplishment, or even appreciation of all you have. In the past month, I've been reminded of how delicate life is and just how important it is to stand still sometimes and let your mind rest - to truly be present. It took some beautiful people and soul-wrenching moments to show me that...
A very dear friend of mine and a mother like no other has been a huge reminder to me of what living in the present looks like, and her pint-size daughter has undoubtedly demonstrated courage and resilience personified. Before this little angel was born, she was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect and surgery was determined to be a definite future necessity.
Fast forward to a few months after her birth and the day of her actual surgery; I've never felt so helpless and so terrified for a friend as I did that morning. There was nothing I could do but to pray and I did as much of that as possible. I kept picturing myself in my friend's place, and feeling her anxiety and worst fears as a mother. Yet, she remained so steadfast and hopeful and amazingly strong. Inside, I have no doubt her own heart was deeply aching and her spirit shaken, but to the naked eye she was unbelievably determined to see her daughter come out of that operating room and on to the road to recovery. In those moments, she was absolutely present. She wasn't lost somewhere in the future she could not influence or control. She was right there in the moment making the most of each one.
Well, her gorgeous little lady did come out of that room and she fought for two weeks in the hospital to recover through infection and sickness and things that would be too difficult for some adults to endure and conquer. Yet, she conquered every last obstacle - and just like her mama - she showed such serenity and grace. I didn't know until a few weeks ago that I could look up to a twelve pound little being, but I wholeheartedly regard her as my tiny hero, or should I say heroine!
Thank you, Nicki and Claire, for awakening me to the power and beauty of living in the present. Thank you for being such bold examples of what it looks like to be here right now - making the most of each second we have. I feel so blessed to know you and to learn from you...
Life is fragile and can be fleeting, even when you least expect it. I wasn't going to mention this next experience, but if I didn't, I suppose I wouldn't be honoring my own rule: to be honest about my thoughts and feelings within this space, even if it hurts a little or makes me feel more vulnerable (something I also deeply fear).
A few weeks ago, I wasn't really feeling that great... I just felt "off" and wasn't sure exactly why (other than the usual I'm a mother of two young boys rationale). I've just started weaning my youngest, so I figured that my hormones were all out of whack (and most likely, they were!) and waited for them to settle down. After a week of feeling "off" I realized my instincts were telling me I'd felt this way before... So, I took a pregnancy test and very unexpectedly got a positive result! It was faint but it was certainly there. I was shocked. We hadn't even been trying, but any child is absolutely a pure blessing in my heart. I took two more to be sure (if you know me you are not at all surprised by this...) All remained ever-so-faintly positive. I told Phil (of course) and my Mom (of course). I waited to contact the doctor until the next week. It was still extremely early (end of 4 weeks), and although I was excited, something deep within me was feeling very unsettled and protective.
A few days later I had some fairly strong cramps and a few lower back pains, which I did not think much of as I'd felt both before. I chalked them up to very early growing pains. Again, though, deep in my mind (or maybe even my soul), I knew something just didn't feel "right." That night, as I said my usual prayers I remember talking to God and telling him that I completely trusted him. I explained that I felt something was wrong. I prayed that if this little life was not meant to be that I would understand and accept his will. I prayed for a sign... God has shown me so many signs time and time again throughout my life. Each time I was confused or hurt or even ridiculously happy, I felt him there showing me the way.
Well, early that next morning, I realized that just as soon as this life has started it was now ending. My motherly instincts were strong and right on. God was giving me his sign. It was never meant to be...
At first, I felt at peace. Then, I felt like I had failed. It's hard to explain, but I felt like something I did was at fault or that maybe something I was doing in my life was at fault, and perhaps this was my karma at play... I felt very confused and hurt and empty. I also felt pretty irrational, because how could I feel so sad about something many women would've completely missed and dismissed as a late or heavy period? It was too early to feel sad wasn't it? So many people had gone through much, much worse... I felt alone in my feelings - helpless, guilty and alone. I didn't really know how to talk about it to Phil or my Mom, and I wished I wasn't so in tune to my body as I apparently was... In other words, I wished I had never ever thought to take that stupid test!!! After all, this was only my second cycle after Cooper and I wasn't even ready to be pregnant again... Yet, I soon realized after feeling all of that, that what I was really feeling was grief.
However short-lived and early it was, for the first (and hopefully only) time, I had experienced what so many women experience at some point during their child-bearing years - what it feels like to gain and then lose the "hope" of a little life... I am very fortunate that it occurred so very early, as I'm not sure my heart could have handled something happening later on... And as strange as it may sound, those sad moments also opened my eyes much wider to all the beauty and life that already surrounds me
I have two handsome, healthy, spirited, funny and loving little boys. I watch them grow every day into their individual selves and the pride I feel is indescribable. The love I have for them extends far past my arms to hug and lips to kiss them with...
I have a handsome, noble and hard-working husband who is a wonderful partner to navigate through life and parenthood with, and he always keeps me grounded.
Both of my parents, younger brother and even my Grandma are all living and very much involved in our lives, showing such love and undying support. I have lovely friends who are also my family.
I have my health. I am safe, warm and alive. I AM BLESSED. SO VERY BLESSED.
What I know is this... Life is delicate and fleeting, beautiful and sad, confusing and satisfying. I've been reminded of all these things lately. Most of all, I know that God is present in all of our lives - every single day. In your moments of joy, fear, gratitude, anger, and especially in your minutes and hours and sometimes even days of loneliness. He's there. He's present.
Try being present in your own life. Pray. Listen. Reach out. Look around you, and often directly in front of you. Stop trying to plan every detail of tomorrow and just live in today. It's not easy, believe me I know, but it is necessary.
Every day you wake up (even if it's with a headache) is a gift. Every day you have another chance to open your eyes is another chance you have to take a look at the blessings that surround you.
I'm awake, and for now I'm living in this moment - right here in this moment... Thank God for that!
